


Wanting

by fwooshy



Category: Katekyou Hitman Reborn!
Genre: AND GAY, Idiots in Love, Light Dom/sub, M/M, Relationship Study, So pretty, Squalo's Pretty Hair, and witty, assholes in love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-07
Updated: 2020-11-07
Packaged: 2021-03-09 02:40:41
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,090
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27427327
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fwooshy/pseuds/fwooshy
Summary: When Squalo first met Xanxus in school he knew right away that that was it for him. Nothing he would ever want would ever compare to what he would want for Xanxus.
Relationships: Superbi Squalo/Xanxus
Comments: 6
Kudos: 49





	Wanting

**Author's Note:**

> Whew I haven't written KHR since 2008! It turns out I still love me some XS. Hope you enjoy this too!

1\. 

When Squalo first met Xanxus in school he knew right away that that was it for him. Maybe before he had wanted things for himself, maybe he even kept a list of goals for the year, tacked on the inside of his locker, but that was in his past now. When he met Xanxus all that got pushed to the back, his personal wants a crumpled list discarded on the floor. Nothing he would ever want would ever compare to what he would want for Xanxus.

Xanxus didn’t want much at first. Things like, there’d be some kids making noise down the block that he’d want to shut up. Or there’d be a cashier at the convenience store around the corner who gave him the stink eye last week that he wanted to get back at. Squalo would do these things just a pace behind Xanxus, fists aimed at the ones coming for Xanxus’s back, and Xanxus would be glad that he was there.

Squalo took a drag from his cig and thought of how the cashier’s face had looked when Squalo had punched him in the face. The shock, and then the pain as the man reached to cover his bloody face, doubling over. In his mind Squalo made the man double over again and again, savoring it. 

Xanxus grabbed his wrist and Squalo yelped, letting the blunt end of the cig fall to the ground. They were on the school rooftop, looking out on their small town spread out before them. The ash burned over his knuckles where they’d been cut punching through the cashier’s glasses. 

“Careless,” Xanxus decided, still frowning at Squalo’s fist.

Squalo snorted, wrenched his hand free. “Got the job done, didn’t they?”

Xanxus took out another from the pack of stolen cigs and lifted it to his mouth. Squalo leaned over to light it. It was easy for him to do things that Xanxus wanted, because he wanted them too, even if he hadn’t known it at the time.

2.

The first time Squalo questioned something Xanxus wanted was around the time Dino had started talking to Squalo about girls. “Look at her,” Dino would insist, holding up his magazine to Squalo’s face, and Squalo would look away, because Dino was trash, so he never did what Dino wanted. Sometimes he wouldn’t look away in time though, so he’d get a glimpse of perky breasts and smooth, shapely thighs, and want to ask Dino what the big deal was. They were just girls, and girls were boring. But then Dino would start making kissy faces at his magazine, and Squalo would turn away, disgusted.

Squalo thought of those girls the first time Xanxus wanted to kiss him. For a bewildering first second he thought he was actually a girl, and that maybe somebody’d just forgotten to tell him until now. But that was ridiculous of course, so then he thought, wasn't it boring? To touch someone when you didn’t want to hurt them. He could understand why Dino would want something like that, he was softer than snow, that piece of shit. But why would Xanxus want to do the same thing, and why did he want it from Squalo?

And then Xanxus pressed him up against a concrete wall and Squalo felt his heart start to race, same as it did when he could smell a fight coming. He clenched his fists at his side when Xanxus tore at his mouth, biting his lips and swiping with his tongue, unrelenting even when Squalo closed his eyes and moaned, releasing his fists to reach up and pull at Xanxus’s hair. There was nothing soft about this, Squalo realized. Xanxus was right again. Squalo wanted it so much it hurt.

By then Squalo was old enough to know the different levels of want. Xanxus wanted to push Squalo up against a wall probably more than he wanted to beat up the new kid. Xanxus wanted both more than he wanted to do well in his classes. But even if you took the sum of all of his wants and totaled them up, they’d still fall short of what Xanxus wanted most of all, which was to be the Tenth. So Squalo helped Xanxus recruit a group of followers and wrangle them in line. He stayed up nights after hours of sword practice to figure out logistics, to come up with a strategy for the pending coup. He did everything except ask Xanxus why he wanted to be Tenth so badly. It never occurred to him that Xanxus’s want to be Tenth impeded on a sort of desperate, illogical need. It never occurred to him that Xanxus wanted to be Tenth out of vengeance, because he was adopted.

It wouldn’t have changed anything anyway, if he had known. Vengeance was a fine thing to want.

3.

“He’s not going to care that you’ve grown out your hair,” Mammon sneered several years later. Squalo’s hair was down to his waist now. Every time it grew he had to teach his sword to flow with it anew. Squalo lifted a strand to his eyes. It was such a pale grey, almost as white as the belly of a great white.

Squalo didn’t know what Xanxus wanted these days. At least not the lower tier things, anyway. He didn’t know if Xanxus wanted Squalo’s hair long or short. He didn’t even know if Xanxus wanted Varia to continue without him, to continue gathering clandestinely as though he hadn’t been hushed up and frozen in time. So Squalo went to sword practice and he searched for rings and he kept his hair long and he kept on doing everything he could to bring Xanxus back, so that Xanxus could come back and tell him what he wanted.

When Xanxus melted he told Squalo that he wanted to be the Tenth. Squalo should have expected that. All Xanxus truly ever wanted was to be the Tenth.

4.

Xanxus wanted other things, too. He still wanted Squalo up against the wall, for one. But now he also wanted Squalo over the chair, on the sheets, on the floor. He even wanted Squalo’s hair long, Squalo knew that now, knew it from the way Xanxus would pull at it, rub it up against his nose, breathing in deep as Squalo shuddered beneath him, his legs spread wide.

5.

It was hard for everyone when Xanxus didn’t get what he wanted. Squalo wasn’t foolish enough to think that he had it the hardest. But it was hard to see Xanxus grow prickly and sullen, to see him throwing plates across the room when they were the slightest degree too hot, or berating the team for no reason except to hear his own voice. It was hard to see all that potential spoil in a lazy, egotistical man, too fat in his own misery to think about anyone but himself.

6.

There was a difference between want and like. Xanxus wanted Squalo, of course. He’d wanted Squalo since they were teenagers. But had he ever actually liked Squalo? Yamamoto didn’t think so. Yamamoto said, “Wow, did he really throw his espresso at your face? That looked like it hurt. The scar is pretty funny though, it looks kind of like a shark.” Yamamoto said, “Wow, did he really never come to your hospital bed? That’s weird. Why wouldn’t he do that? Didn’t he want to know that you were ok?” Yamamoto said, “Does he ever tell you that he likes you? No? That’s a shame. I like you, you know.” And then he tried to kiss Squalo before Squalo could explain the difference between want and like, and how it didn’t matter what you liked if you wanted something else more.

Yamamoto’s lips were soft, sweet. A little chapped around the corners. Squalo thought it had felt rather nice, actually. He had liked it, even if he hadn’t wanted it. But he stopped Yamamoto before he could try again.

Squalo said, “He wants me. That’s enough.”

And then Yamamoto laughed and said, “Alright, alright,” even though Squalo was pretty sure what he meant to say was  _ Are you sure? _

What did Yamamoto know anyway? He was just a scum kid.

7.

They were fighting again. Squalo yelled, “You can’t just treat people like that, people aren’t  _ actually _ trash, you know.”

Xanxus stared into the fireplace and pretended not to hear.

“You can’t!” Squalo screamed, voice rising with frustration, “We’re bleeding recruits left and right because  _ you _ keep throwing things at them! You threw a paper weight so hard at a thirteen-year-old boy that he’s still at the hospital today! Is it really asking too much, for you to grow the fuck up and just stop  _ throwing _ things? I’m not even asking you to be nice! It’s no wonder they made Tsuna boss, just  _ look _ at you —”

A glass sailed toward Squalo, barely missing his head. Xanxus barreled after it, crushing Squalo up against the wall, his hands around Squalo’s neck. “You’re trash,” Xanxus growled, chest heaving, “Get out of my sight.”

Squalo’s breath came out shallow, desperate. For a second he thought Xanxus would really let him die. But finally Xanxus let go and Squalo dropped to the floor, gasping. He got up and stumbled out of the room, head spinning.

They didn’t speak to each other much after. Xanxus didn’t want Squalo having lunch with him anymore. He didn’t even want Squalo in his bed anymore. But he still wanted Squalo at his meetings, making plans. He still wanted Squalo next to him on the battlegrounds, sword unsheathed. He wanted Squalo so much despite despising him that it was burgeoning into a need.

Squalo didn’t like it but he didn’t do anything to make it better either. In some ways, though, things did get better. Belphegor said Xanxus had stopped kicking the others so much. Lussuria said it creeped him out, the way Xanxus was acting now, the way he was just this short of nice.

8.

“You should have seen him,” Dino said, sucking on a lolly. He was lounged in an armchair by Squalo’s hospital bed, his jacket pooled comfortably around him. “I mean, we’ve all seen Xanxus get mad but I’ve never seen him get  _ that _ angry before. All his scars even started showing up on his face again. It was like he’d gone full-demonic.”

“Can’t believe I missed it,” Squalo replied sarcastically.

Dino laughed. “Yeah, why’d you have to get stabbed in the chest anyway? I don’t think you were meant to see it, anyway. I don’t think Xanxus goes berserk for just anyone. Only when his right hand man’s been killed, right?”

Dino gave him a knowing look that made Squalo want to claw Dino’s eyes out.

“What do you know, anyway,” Squalo growled, narrowing his eyes.

Dino laughed again. “You’re right, I don’t know anything. Anyway, I suppose you’re happy now, so I’ll stop meddling in your life.”

Squalo left his hospital room two days later only to go straight to Xanxus’s room in the same hospital. Xanxus was alone when he entered. He was watching the baseball game on the TV mounted in the corner of the room. From the bed you could barely make out the players on the field, tall as matchsticks.

Squalo approached Xanxus’s bed. He pulled up a chair and sat in it, wary until Xanxus reached for him and ran his hand along the side of Squalo’s face. Squalo’s leaned in, hair pooling onto Xanxus’s chest. Xanxus pulled him down so that their faces were inches from each other, staring into his eyes, as though searching for something. Squalo remembered then that Xanxus had thought that Squalo had  _ died _ , that this was probably the first time Xanxus had seen him awake since he’d been hospitalized himself.

Something inside of Squalo opened up then, anxious and skittish and undeniably hopeful. Xanxus hadn’t been able to handle it when Squalo was struck down, because Xanxus had wanted Squalo  _ alive _ . He’d wanted Squalo alive so badly that he hadn’t thought about the consequences at all. He’d wanted Squalo alive more than he wanted to be alive himself. He’d just gone head-in, for Squalo. Not for Squalo’s sword arm, not for Squalo’s loyalty. Just Squalo. 

Squalo growled, and threw himself on Xanxus, crushing their lips together. Xanxus’s hands came up and into Squalo’s hair, pressing them closer. Squalo could feel his heart beating against his, with his. He never wanted anything more in his life.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading! 💛
> 
> You can find me on [dw](https://fwooshy.dreamwidth.org/) or [tumblr](https://www.tumblr.com/blog/fw00shy).


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